Wedding Woes, and Dirty Ho’s!
I have a very low threshold for alcohol, so I generally try to stay away from red wine and champagne, but obviously at weddings it’s quite hard to stay away from alcohol altogether, so I imbibed just a little bit, hence the hangover from hell.
At the beginning of the day, everybody looked wonderful, all spruced up and dignified, but by 8pm that evening, social niceties had gone to hell in a handbasket, all of a sudden everywhere you turned there was somebody doing something they shouldn’t be doing, usually with somebody that they shouldn’t be doing it with, ergo bridesmaid in clinch with bestman, whilst bridesmaid’ significant other was lying on the men’s toilet floor covered in his own vomit (I only discovered this because I hate queuing for the bathroom, so I usually go into the men’s where although it’s smellier, there isn’t usually a queue).
All of a sudden, people who looked harmless in the light of day (alcohol free as they were then) turn into predators of the worst sort. The fifty something uncle who’s been married approximately five times, and still hasn’t discovered that in order to have a happy marriage he needs to avoid sleeping with other women who aren’t his wife, starts looking at you in ‘that’ way. At first you think that he has some kind of involuntary tic in his eye, then it dawns on you that he’s actually winking suggestively at you whilst hubby is standing next to you. You of course find this extremley hilarious due to the fact that, said uncle has a big-assed stomach, and still thinks that the tight flares look is in.
Hubby had his share of female attention as he generally always does, which normally doesn’t bother me because on the whole most females will stay away from the married ones, but you know there’s always one bitch who has to take things too far.
I forget her name now, but for the sake of this blog, we’ll dub her Miss I’m Single and In Heat. Sheesh, she’s the kind of broad that makes you ashamed to be female.
Anyway, for most of the day Miss Single behaved herself, and didn’t try to engage hubby into too many conversations (well if she did, I didn’t notice earlier in the day)
But by that evening she’d turned into the kind of grasping, desperate excuse for womanhood, that I do so hate to see in heroines.
I noticed that she started following hubby all over the room, at first it didn’t really bother me because I knew that she knew he was married, so I just assumed that she’d soon get bored with being ignored in lieu of talking about Michael Schumacher’s performance in this years Formula One championship. Well, all I can say is that the lady was persistent. She doggedly followed him everywhere he went (hubby of course no doubt loved the attention) and kept trying to insinuate herself in the conversation.
I finally had enough and went over to where she was stood with hubby and his friends, I tried to be nice, really I did, but the devil and the alcohol made me do it.
I smiled at her and politely asked her if she was planning on trying to sleep with all the married men at the wedding, or was it just my husband she was after. I did warn her that if this was the case, then she’d better be prepared to be severely wounded. She looked at me in shock (I guess she’d never been confronted before) and tried to bluster her way out of the situation, at which point, I held my hands up in the air, and said “save it bitch, and just keep away from my husband” a la Ricki Lake.
I then dragged hubby (who was enjoying the drama immensely, drat him!) away, I socked him on the head, and and then as punishment for being so bloody stupid, I made him do the Time-warp with me!
Needless to say, Miss Single didn’t go anywhere near my husband for the rest of the night. I later found out that she was a divorcee who had cheated on her husband, with a work colleague the night before they were due to be married. Why am I not surprised?